November 4, 2019 100

Weekend Update: Bruce Chandling on Thanksgiving – SNL

Weekend Update: Bruce Chandling on Thanksgiving – SNL


>>>THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK,
AND HERE WITH HIS UNIQUE TAKE ON THE HOLIDAY IS VETERAN STAND-UP
COMIC BRUCE CHANDLING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>OH, HEY. NOW WHERE’S THE FOOD, DUDE?
>>WELL, BRUCE, AS YOU KNOW, THANKSGIVING ISN’T UNTIL NEXT
THURSDAY.>>NO, I KNOW.
I’M JUST HUNGRY.>>THANKS SO MUCH.
BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE THANKSGIVING, RIGHT?
I LOVE THE STORY OF THANKSGIVING.
PILGRIMS COME TO AMERICA. THEY ARE ON THIS BIG BOAT.
BUT IT’S NOT AN EASY JOURNEY, RIGHT?
THEY GOTTA DEAL WITH THE COLD WEATHER, CRAMPED QUARTERS,
PEOPLE GETTING SICK, AND WORST OF ALL, BAD SATELLITE RECEPTION
WHEN THEY ARE TRYING THE WATCH THE BIG GAME.
>>I’M SORRY, YOU THINK THAT PILGRIMS HAD TV, BUT WITH BAD
RECEPTION?>>EXACTLY.
THE STAR OF THE SHOW IS THE BIG MEAL, RIGHT?
OF COURSE I AM A CORN ON COBB GUY.
YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?>>YEAH.
>>SEEN THIS? I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THE STUFF.
BUT THE INDIANS, THEY DON’T CALL IT CORN.
THEY CALL IT MAIZE. AS IN, MAIZE I HAVE A SECOND
HELPING?>>OH, BRUCE.
I DON’T LIKE THAT ONE AT ALL,>>WHAT’S THE MATTER, MICHAEL,
TOO CORNY?>>PLEASE STOP.
>>JUST 45 MINUTES LEFT. THANKS FOR HELPING OUT A FELLOW
COMIC. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.
>>I THINK WE ARE PRETTY DIFFERENT, ACTUALLY.
OF COURSE, THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING, THEY GOT BLACK
FRIDAY. SEEN THIS ONE?
IT’S WHERE YOU GOT ALL THE DEALS AT THE MINI MALL.
>>MINI MALL?>>PERSONALLY, I THINK THEY
SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME FROM BLACK FRIDAY TO BLACK AND BLUE
FRIDAY. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU ARE GOING
TO LOOK IF YOU GET BETWEEN ME AND THE HOTTEST NEW TOY.
>>YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY FIGHTING PEOPLE FOR TOYS, ARE YOU?
>>DON’T WORRY, MICHAEL. I AIN’T.
I MEAN, EVEN IF I GOT THE TOY, I WOULDN’T HAVE ANYONE SPECIAL TO
GIVE IT TO. I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE A LITTLE
BRUCE, YOU KNOW? BUT I CAN’T.
BECAUSE MY BODY DON’T WORK THAT WAY.
>>ALL RIGHT. I’M SORRY ABOUT THAT, BRUCE.
>>PROBABLY FOR THE BEST. I WOULDN’T EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE
CARE OF HIM. I CAN’T GET A JOB.
DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WRITE CURSIVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I DON’T THINK YOU NEED TO
KNOW CURSIVE TO GET A JOB.>>THE PROBLEM IS, I DON’T KNOW
NON-CURSIVE EITHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>BRUCE, YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE SOME CLASSES, MAN.
WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER AND CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING WITH ME
AND MY FAMILY. HOW ABOUT THAT?
>>HMM. I GUESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY? WHERE’S THE FOOD, DUDE?
>>THAT WAS THE WORST ONE YET. BRUCE CHANDLING, EVERYBODY.
>>HEY, STILL GOT 42 MINUTES LEFT!
>>NO, YOU’RE DONE. YOU’RE DONE.

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