November 12, 2019 0

TikTok Spying Fears, Updated “Alphabet Song” & A Case of Auto-Brewery Syndrome | The Daily Show

TikTok Spying Fears, Updated “Alphabet Song” & A Case of Auto-Brewery Syndrome | The Daily Show

TikTok. It’s the short video app
for people who were bored
before the end of the sentence. But now, Congress is worried that although
the videos might be short, the consequences could last
for a long time. WOMAN: The app that’s taken
teenagers by storm, TikTok, now facing a storm
of a different kind– accused of posing
a possible security risk. With more than 500 million
active accounts around the world, now all eyes are
on the people behind the app. Two top senators targeting
the Chinese tech company that owns TikTok. In a letter to the director
of national intelligence, asking for an investigation
into TikTok and other
Chinese-based companies, warning they may pose
a national security risk. This is a threat
to American security. When China has data
on 110 million Americans, who knows what they do with it? That’s right.
Chuck Schumer wants to launch an investigation
into TikTok. But I feel like
he’s just doing this so he can have someone come
to Congress to explain what TikTok is. He’s like, “I tried
to subpoena my granddaughter, “but she never returns my calls. Never returns my calls.” But for real, it would…
it would be very serious if the Chinese can use TikTok
for spying, because, I mean,
with this information, China can learn of all of
America’s dance moves, you know? They’re just gonna be
figuring it all out. They’re like, “Yeah. Oh, yeah,
we figured it all out.” That’s the thing
that’s kept the U.S. ahead of China all this time. China’s there like,
“We have nuclear weapons “and 5G, but we can’t figure out
how to hit the ‘Woah.’ When do you lock?! Oh!” And keep in mind–
TikTok is, like, 90% teenagers. So I’m not worried that China is
watching me when I’m there. I’m more worried that the dude from Catch a Predator
is gonna pop up and be like, “Trevor,
what are you doing here?” “I’m just here for the memes! I’m just here
for the memes! I swear!” And can we agree
on something, people? At this point,
let’s just agree that every app is spying on us,
okay? Just work under that assumption. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter–
they’re all watching us. The only app that somehow
doesn’t know your location is Uber.
That is the only one. -(laughter)
-For some strange reason, they just can’t figure it out. (applause and cheering) All right, moving on. If you are a young child
just learning the alphabet, first of all,
please stop watching this show. Uh, seriously, I might say
(bleep) at any time. And, also, it turns out
you’ve been doing it all wrong. The new alphabet song
that’s getting mixed reviews. Yeah, you can say that. This version aims to get rid
of the infamous “L-M-N-O-P” and make it clearer for kids.
Take a listen. ♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪ ♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N ♪ ♪ O, P, Q, R… ♪ (audience booing) (laughter) Oh… no. First of all, no. Secondly, hell, no. (laughter) And third, this new Kanye album
is a real departure. (laughter) It went real weird. Who is this for?
Who is this for? Because if my kid can’t
figure out “L-M-N-O-P,” I don’t want to make it easier
for them. I just want to know
as soon as possible so I can stop saving up
for their college. I just want to know. I don’t want to waste my money. I mean, at some point, even
as a kid, you would figure out that “L-M-N-O-P” are separate
letters in the alphabet, right? There’s no 40-year-old
who’s out there who’s just like, “Excuse me. For the Wi-Fi, “is it upper case
‘L-M-N-O-P’ or, uh…? ‘Cause it keeps saying
‘password incorrect.'” (laughter) All right, and finally,
here’s a great new excuse for drunk drivers to try. WOMAN: An Ohio man was
pulled over for drunk driving, and a blood test revealed
he had twice the legal amount of alcohol in his system,
but the driver swore to police he didn’t have anything
to drink, and turns out,
he was telling truth. Doctors say that man has
a rare medical condition that turns yeast in your gut
into alcohol. It’s called
“Auto-brewery syndrome.” (laughter, groaning) Auto-brewery syndrome. That is the coolest disease…
I’ve ever heard of. Like, essentially, when this guy
eats carbs, inside his stomach, a team of tiny hipsters
turns it into beer. That’s what’s happening,
you realize that, right? And obviously, I’m sure
there are downsides to this. Like, for one,
he could never run a marathon, ’cause it’s gonna be like,
“Oh, I got a carbo load.” And all of a sudden it’s like, “Actually,
I’m gonna skip the race, ’cause, bitch, I need to dance!” (laughter)

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