September 8, 2019 91

Romeo Impresses Juliet

Romeo Impresses Juliet


>>THE FAIR JULIET.
I MUST GET HER ATTENTION WITHOUT HER FATHER NOTICING ME OR
SURELY HE WILL HAVE ME KILLED. JULIET!
JULIET! JULES!
JAY-MONEY! THE DISTANCE PROVETH TO BE TOO FAR.
BUT SOFT, THESE PEBBLES SHALL PROVE MOST USEFUL. CUPID GUIDE MINE AIM.
FORSOOTH? [CLATTER OF ROCKS] DEAFNESS THY NAME IS WOMAN!
>>WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE? [CLATTER]>>OW!
BLESSED FIGS END! MY FACE HATH BEEN ACCOSTED BY A ROGUE STONE.
MY FOREHEAD DOTH BLEED WITH VIGOR.>>NO.
>>I THINK I’VE GONE BLIND. WHAT LUMPISH-URCHIN-SNOUTED-FLAX
WENCH HATH DONE THIS THING? [CRASH]>>AH!
BY SWEET NEPTUNE’S BEARD! THE FAMILY HEIRLOOMS!
[CRASHING]>>OH NO! NOT THE STAIRS!
AH! [THUMPING AND CRIES]>>OW THAT ONE HURT.
AH! OW, NOT A GOOD SPOT.
I’M STILL FALLING! AH!
I KEEP LANDING ON MY KEYS! OH ME THINKS I HAVE BROKEN MINE ENTIRE BODY.
STILL I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO STILL FEEL– THE CANDELABRA’S AT THE DOOR!
ALL IS FLAME. HELP!
HELP!>>WE MUST MAKE HASTE!
>>SOMEONE AID LORD CAPULET.>>MY PANTALOONS ARE ON FIRE!
>>QUICKLY COVER HIS BURNING LEGS WITH SOMETHING!>>DUDE, COVER MY LEGS WITH
DRIED STRAW BALES FOOL! AH!
>>THE HORSES HAVE BROKEN FREE AND RUN WILD THROUGH THE HOUSE.
QUICK! HELP ME MOVE BEFORE– AH!
>>THE BEASTS DO TRAMPLE LORD CAPULET.>>AH!
SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOOT THE HORSES! OR ME!
I HONESTLY DO NOT CARE AT THIS POINT.>>I SHALL SAVE THEE LORD CAPULET!
[SHOTGUN SHOT]>>AH! YE HATH SHOT ME IN THE TOES!
>>OH!>>WHY?
>>I WAS AIMING FOR THE HORSE.>>HOW DOST THOU MISSETH A HORSE?
>>THE HORSES HAVE FLED. I THINK THY SCREAMING HATH SCARED THEM AWAY.
>>HOW FORTUNATE.>>YES.
>>NO! THEY HAVE RETURNED AND THEY BROUGHT THE COWS
WITH THEM! [MOOING]>>FATHER!
>>JULIET! ALL IS LOST.
LEAVE ME TO DIE WITH THE BOVINES.>>WHAT HAPPENED?
>>I WAS STRUCK BY A STONE.>>A STONE?
WAIT A MOMENT.>>WAIT?
WHAT’S HAPPENING? THE COWS ARE MOVING ME TOWARDS MINE STAIRS.
AH! WHY DID WE BUY A SPLIT LEVEL HOME?
NO! OH!
>>IS IT A BAD TIME TO ASK YOU OUT?>>YES.
>>THE COWS ARE STANDING ON MY KIDNEYS. [MOOING]

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