December 21, 2019 100

Prehistoric Art in Indonesia, a Disastrous Prom Proposal & Sad Santa Photos | The Daily Show

Prehistoric Art in Indonesia, a Disastrous Prom Proposal & Sad Santa Photos  | The Daily Show

Every year we learn more
about our past as human beings, and a new discovery in Indonesia might mean that our past
is much older than we thought. Archaeologists are amazed
and excited by the discovery of prehistoric cave art
recently found in Indonesia. Cave art being studied by
Griffith University adademics Adam Brumm and Max Aubert could be the oldest
ever discovered BRUMM: It shows
this incredible hunting scene, which might have
spiritual connotations. NEWSMAN: The big concern now
is that the Sulawesi artwork could vanish. BRUMM:
It’s a real tragedy. This image is… is peeling away
off the wall, essentially. It’s flaking off. It could be gone
within our own lifetime. Uh, so stop touching it. (laughter) This art lasted 44,000 years,
and then these guys show up like, “Oh, no, it’s in danger.
Aw, look at that. “It’s just chipping away. “Look, when I scratch it,
it comes right off. We got to do something, mate.
Bring the sandblaster.” (laughter) You know what I really love about discovering ancient art
in a cave is that it shows that cavemen were more creative
than we think. And it also shows that
they didn’t give a shit about their security deposit. Yeah. They’re just like, “Screw
it, we got no heat, no water. -I’m drawing on the walls.”
-(laughter) And I’m always impressed
that scientists can date exactly how old
these paintings are. You know, it must be, like, a
really crazy chemical analysis. Or they just saw it
in the background of one of Bernie Sanders’
childhood photos. It could be that.
It could be that. -He was seven there.
-(laughter) But let’s move on
to high school proms. It’s that time of the year when young people work up
the courage to get rejected by someone who
didn’t even know they exist. And for one young man,
his prom proposal took a really unexpected turn. A Carson City teen regained
the full use of his hand, but it came at the expense of
another one of his body parts. Doctors detached
Aidan Atkins index toe and used it to recreate
a thumb. Aidan says he wasn’t able
to use the thumb he sawed off, well, because
he couldn’t find it. He lost his thumb trying to make his girlfriend
an invitation to prom Aiden says the accident
happened so fast that he didn’t have time
to react. He says he’s thankful
it wasn’t much worse. Wow. Yo, man, kudos to that guy. That is an amazing story. Like, I’m glad the doctors were
able to give him his hand back, and I’m genuinely impressed
at his great attitude. Like, he had to replace
his thumb with a toe, but he’s still like,
“You know what, life goes on.” -(laughter)
-Yeah. I get a pimple on my forehead,
I’m like, “I’m gonna die! Don’t look at me!” And, guys, you got to admit,
science is amazing. ‘Cause I didn’t know doctors
could put your toe on your hand and it would work as a finger. ‘Cause that basically means
that our toes are replacement fingers. Right? Yeah, you know what it’s like?
It’s like when a shirt comes with extra buttons
sewn in. That’s what God designed–
if we lose a finger, we can just be like,
“Oh, well, seven more to go.” (laughter) And in some ways,
it might even be better having some of your fingers
be toes, you know? Like, now you can get
a mani-pedi at the same time. Just… And by the way,
what an upgrade for that toe. Can we admit that? Yes?
I bet all the other toes must have thrown it
a huge going-away party. Just like, “Did you hear? “Middle toe’s moving up
to the big time! “He’s gonna be a finger!
Yeah…! “Don’t forget us when
you’re holding things, Middy! Don’t forget us!” He’s like,
“I’ll come back, guys. “I’ll help you clip your nails, “and I’ll tell you what
the inside of a nose looks like! -Yay…!”
-(laughter, groans) I actually wonder if this works
for other parts of the body. ‘Cause I’m fascinated now. Like, can you use a leg
as an arm? Or can you use a knee
as a shoulder? I mean, it must be possible
to swap parts, because Donald Trump uses
a vagina as a neck. I mean… (laughter, shouts) Yeah. Just like, “Sometimes
I grab me by the pussy.” All right.
And finally, Christmas is
just around the corner, and apparently, for parents, there’s a fun,
new holiday tradition. Have you ever had your kids pose
for pictures on Santa’s lap? Smiles all around, right? Didn’t think so. Mark Strassmann met
a photographer in Atlanta who embraces the holly
and the not so jolly. STRASSMANN: This is photographer
Jeff Roffman’s studio. In here, a white Christmas
often turns blue. -(crying) -ROFFMAN:
We have parents come in here hoping their kids will cry,
uh, and they leave disappointed if their kids don’t. -Run, everybody, run, run, run!
-(screaming) STRASSMANN:
Roffman was floored parents wanted
their kids to cry. (crying) He had 7,000 photo shoots
available over six weeks. They sold out in ten minutes. Okay, that is so mean. (laughter) Parents are making
their babies cry just so that they can get
a cool-looking picture? You know what I hope? I hope those kids get revenge. I hope in 40 years, they drop their parents off
at a nursing home and then take pictures
of them crying while the Jamaican nurse
is holding them back. Yeah.
That’s what that should be. Just have their parents
on the nurse lap, like, just crying. They’re like,
“Don’t leave me with this lady. I don’t even know who she is.” They’ll be like,
“Her name’s karma, bitch.” (laughter and applause) Nurse will be like,
“Actually, my name’s Gladys, but you’re right.
Your daddy’s a little bitch.” (laughter) This is a great example
of how parents make their kids do things that they say
they shouldn’t do. ‘Cause parents are always like,
“Strangers are dangerous. If you ever feel uncomfortable,
run away.” The kid’s like,
“I’m uncomfortable now.” “Shut up! I’m trying
to get a photo, Timmy.” Like, this whole practice of sitting on an old man’s lap
to get presents is weird to me. That’s why I’m not gonna let
my kids sit on Santa’s lap. If my kids want presents, they can do it
the old-fashioned way: by fighting to the death
on Black Friday.

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