November 7, 2019 100

“Louis Vuitton” | Russell Peters – Red, White, and Brown

“Louis Vuitton” | Russell Peters – Red, White, and Brown


>>Russell Peters: Everybody’s cheap. Where the Jews at, Jews in the house? [Audience Cheering] Alright Arabs, the Jews are in here. Go talk to them. [Applause and Laughter] You’ve got some hugging to do! [Laughter] [Russell laughs] Jews, I don’t know how you got the title of being cheap, it’s very offensive to Indian people. People are like, “Jews are cheap,” we’re like, [Indian accent] “No, that is very incorrect. I am cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIG difference.” There must’ve been like one Jewish guy, back in the day, who was cheap, and he fucked it up, for the rest of you, for the rest of your lives. ‘Cause Jews aren’t actually cheap. You know who’s cheap? Asians. Asians are cheap, as shit. Chinese people, specifically. Where the Chinese people at, where are you? [Audience members cheering “woo”] Always the Woo family, nice. Chinese people you are cheap, like, it’s crazy. But it’s about levels. Like if you were to rate, like, the top three cheap people, in the world, Indians, for sure, would be number one on that list. See? See the pride in it? [Indian accent] “Oh yeah, fantastic! Fantastic! We are number one!” [Laughter] [Russell laughs] Indians, for sure, number one on that list, very very close second are Chinese, and Jews, we’ll give you third place, you know, just to keep you in the game, how about that? So you don’t feel like you’re losing EVERYTHING, alright? [Russell laughs] [Applause and Laughter] But it’s all about levels. Like, let’s just say there’s a Louis Vuitton boutique, right? An Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store every day of his life, and never once step foot in there. [Indian accent] “Not even on their best sale will I be going in there, no thank you!” Now, if Louis Vuitton is having a sale, Jewish guy’s going in, and he’s buying shit! [Jewish-American accent] “It was sale, what do you want?” [Speaking Yiddish] “Naches!” Chinese people, sale or no sale, you’re going in to Louis Vuitton EVERY day! You never buy shit! [Laughter] But you’ll go in every day. Sales guy will go, “Can I help you sir?” [Chinese accent] “Uh no, just uh, looking.” [Laughter] The minute “sales guy” turns his back, Chinese guy whips out a camera [Russell making camera shutter noises] [Applause and Laughter] Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong, [Chinese accent] “Make this bag, quickly! We’ll sell it to the Indians!” [Laughter] [Applause] That’s a sale you never want to see happenning! A Chinese guy trying to sell an Indian guy a Louis Vuitton bag? Neither one of them can say Louis Vuitton properly! [Laughter] [Chinese accent] “Hey Mr. Indian guy! You want a designer bag?” [Laughter] [Indian accent] “Who is this? Who is he?” [Laughter] This is the Indian hand motion for “I don’t know.” [Indian accent] “I don’t know, who’s he? I don’t– I don’t– I don’t know it. Who is he?” [Indian accent] “Who’s this? Who is this guy?” [Chinese accent] “It’s a designer bag. It’s uh, initials, uh LV.” [Indian accent] “Who’s this “L Wee?” Who is he? Remember growing up? “Dad, who finished the milk?” [Indian accent] “I don’t know. I don’t– I — I wasn’t there, I don’t know.” [Indian accent] “Son! I can’t hear! Nothing! Nothing is coming!” [Russell laughs] I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean! [Indian accent] “Nothing is coming! Nothing!” [Laughter] [Indian accent] “Who is this? Who is this “L Wee?” [Chinese accent] “That’s uh, designer initial. Then it has a name underneath.” [Laughter] [Indian accent] “Who’s ‘Woootun’? [Laughter] Who’s ‘Looz Weeeton’? ‘Looz Witeeeen’ ‘Looz Weeeee–‘ What the fuck are you saying? [Indian accent] “I’m reading designers name, Looz Wooton.” Why don’t you spell what you see? [Indian accent] “Okay. Okay. Okay Looz, [Laughter] Looz is Looz, eh? Absolutely Looz is Looz! [Applause and Laughter] 150,000% sure, Looz is Looz!” [Laughter] That’s an Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try and buy something? You’re like, “Oh give you the best price.” [Indian accent] “Okay sir, I’m telling you sir, final price– best price– Take it and go! Take it, and go. Take it, and go.” [Applause and Laughter] [Indian accent] “Okay so Looz, Looz is Looz!” Alright fine, Looz is Looz. What’s his last name? [Indian accent] “Weeton.” I didn’t say, “Say it all fucked up,” I said, “Spell it out.” [Indian accent] “Okay. Wee–U I–TTON” ‘Cause that’s how we spells shit. We’ll go slow, for like, the first three letters, and then we jog through the other half of the name, don’t we? We do the same thing with phone numbers, “Alright, give me your phone number.” [Indian accent] “Okay. Two-one-two- Triple five- [Laughter] eightwofoursix [Applause and Laughter] ♪♪

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