August 22, 2019 63

I kissed my straight crush and things escalated quickly

I kissed my straight crush and things escalated quickly

– So, I’m attracted to girls. But, I have this problem. I always end up falling in love with straight ones. Specifically, this girl that I met around the year 2017. We are both Filipinos from Manila and are studying in a Catholic school. She was the nicest person that I’ve ever known. She would make sure that I’m not alone at a lunch table during lunch break. She trusts me with tutoring English in class. We even have nicknames such as ‘student’ and ‘English tutor’ on our Facebook messenger. We will talk about literally anything. About our crushes, school stuff, and movies. We always hang out and do artsy stuff like calligraphy, watch movies, and sing karaoke. Until April 22, 2019. I was at a friend’s house with her. We watched movies, sang some songs, the usual. But this day was special because I realized something. My heart was beating so fast when we had a duet and I felt like she was stealing glances at me. I immediately knew I fell for her. Then, while we were singing, the earthquake struck. We just stood up and my crush suddenly said, “I’ll walk you home. Let’s go.” It made me feel so flattered and safe. And she held my hand the entire time. Then when we arrived at my safe space, she smiled and waved goodbye. So, the next week I talked to my cousin about my feelings for this girl. She said, “You should confess your feelings for her!” I was encouraged and I wrote to her, “See you tomorrow! Let’s go to the church first, okay?” So, the next day comes, I get ready, so ready that I even searched outfit ideas that are inspired by Harry Styles. I wrote to her, “I’ll wait for you in our usual spot.” I did wait for her for like an hour. Sweating and nervous. Finally, we are outside of the church, eating ice-cream and I said, “Remember April 22nd?” She immediately answered, “The earthquake incident?” I nodded. “After that, I went to get dinner with a friend of ours and I told her that I have a crush on you.” She giggled and said, “How cute! Someone is crushing on me!” She laughed. Then we talked about her workout routine, me being drunk for the first time, and such. I thought, “How can she be so straight?” And we did some low-key flirting. When saying goodbye, I kissed her cheek. She smiled and waved goodbye. After that, I ran back home to message her, “What did you feel when I confessed to you?” She replied, “Flattered. I never thought that you’ll like me that way.” I was about to reply but she said, “I do love you but you’re more like a sister to me.” “A little sister. But we can still hang out! I love you too!” With that, I just stared at my phone as I felt tears running down my cheeks. I’m still trying to move on. I’m currently writing a story that has a character inspired by her named Ruby, and another character that is inspired by me named Juliette. At least in this story, my dreams become reality and it helps me deal with emotions. But if I could turn back time, I’d still do the same. I needed to set my feelings free so I could sleep at night. I hope that she’ll be in good hands and that I’ll find love eventually.

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