September 9, 2019 9

Crowded | The Alphabet Project

Crowded | The Alphabet Project

My brain is a crowded place. I always feel like I’m forgetting something,
avoiding something, or both. It flits and floats from one idea to another. It takes me five tries to get butter from
the fridge, because by the time I open the door, I forget what I needed in the first
place. If I want to do something when I get home,
by the time I take off my shoes, it’s disappeared in the crowded recesses of my brain. I often find myself in Grand Central Station,
known for being crowded, full of people going and coming and going again. But all of these people have a goal in mind. A direction. They will all, eventually, hop on a train
to a destination, where they will enter back into the world with something to do. It seems like most people live their lives
from point A to point B. But I tend to veer off course, even when my plans are as simple
as doing the dishes or folding laundry, but especially when they’re bigger plans – like
writing stories and going for important opportunities. These thoughts, these things I need to do,
are squished between that book I want to finish and the ease of my twitter feed. They mill about, quietly stirring in my brain
as if they are used to this morning commute to the forefront of my mind back to the end
of the line. Between waking up and checking the time, brushing
my teeth and eating food is forgotten until my tongue touches my teeth and remembers that
I exist outside of the brain filled with crowded thoughts. Sometimes, I crowd on purpose. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I
need to find a better job, get in touch with that person, work through that difficult emotion. To-do lists have one action crossed off and
are forgotten about. I take advantage of the thoughts milling about
and find someone else in the crowd to dwell on. Something easier. Something that makes me happier or at the
very least, less stressed. When I was in school, I did this with deadlines. With studying I didn’t want to do in classes
I didn’t want to take. Part of it was arrogance. I know I’m smart. But that wasn’t good enough for the school
I was going to. Not always, at least. Eventually, these purposeful distractions
would turn into something I couldn’t control. After all, one person can only do so much
in a sea of traffic that doesn’t listen to stop signs. One thought would turn into two, which would
multiply exponentially until I had completely forgotten what I was distracting myself from
in the first place. Scheduled five-minute breaks would turn into
hours of directionless wandering through the crowd of thoughts and taking automatic routes
of distraction. Relatively recently, I learned the name for
my crowded state. ADHD. Not the hyperactive kind. In fact, what was assumed to be laziness was
literally my brain being exhausted from working twice as hard to focus on one thought in that
crowd. So this crowd has a name now. Which helps somewhat, because I can identify
when my brain is getting crowded with thoughts that have nothing to do with what I’m supposed
to be thinking about. I can, instead of hoping that these thoughts
will listen to stop signs, form a barricade before it becomes a problem. It will, eventually, spill over, but I can
get ten more minutes than I used to. The thoughts in my brain can now, sometimes,
hop on trains, having direction and working towards a goal. And if a thought begins to veer off course,
I can start to push it back into place. This isn’t all my brain is. It’s not just a crowded place. And ADHD isn’t just too many thoughts in my
head. It’s a lot more than that. And I live in New York. I’m used to crowded places. And I’m getting used to seeing that world
in my brain. Special thanks to Jay Patel for being my patron. If you would like to support my video work,
head on over to my Patreon and check out the perks.

9 Replies to “Crowded | The Alphabet Project”

  • pelonx8 says:

    I feel somewhat similar. I'm a social butterfly then crawl under my covers for several months, pop out of my cocoon and repeat.

  • Rogan Shannon says:

    I don't think I have ADHD but I can SO relate to being easily distracted by the littlest things and forgetting what I was originally doing. And the multiple tabs 😂 I never have fewer than 15 open!

    Also, I really like the concept of the Alphabet Project, maybe I'll do it eventually!

  • parejeda says:

    I relate so much to this video. I have the same kind of adhd and I put things off because my brain is tired from handling all the things each day. Very great video!

  • ameenah says:

    “until my tongue touches my teeth and remembers that i exist outside of the brain filled with crowded thoughts.” wow wow wow, i adore this. the imagery pairs so well with your words—it really evokes the crowded, chaotic sensation you’re describing. you’re such a powerful writer!

  • untappedinkwell says:

    This was so well done. It's always a pleasure to watch your videos. ^^

  • TheBeybladeSport says:

    Which software do you use to make these videos

  • hazel indigo says:

    love this stream of consciousness. and the filter, too 🙂


    Nice video!

  • Codename DarkKnight says:

    It is a bit normal, it happens sometimes even with me

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