October 9, 2019 0

Back in Black – New Laws Debuting in 2019 | The Daily Show


When a news story falls
through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a
segment we call “Back in Black.” -♪ ♪
-(applause and cheering) The new year means
new laws are going into effect all across the country. Think of them as America’s
New Year’s resolutions. But unlike
our personal resolutions, they’re meant
to last a little longer than the first time
we pass a Cheesecake Factory. So let’s take a look at some of
the new laws debuting in 2019. In New Hampshire, you must be
at least 16 years old now in order to get married, but that’s as long
as you have parental consent. Until now, girls
could get married at 13, and boys at 14. Oh, no. New Hampshire is raising
the marriage age from 13 to 16? Won’t somebody think
of R. Kelly? (laughter) But I’m… but I’m glad
they’re raising the age! (laughter) Unbelievable. No one is mature enough
to make a long-term commitment at age 13. I know your bar mitzvah
says you’re a man, but that’s just bullshit made up to get you
in Xbox money. (laughter) Teenagers
should not get married. 13, 16, it doesn’t matter. You still can’t drink. And drinking is the only way
to get through a marriage. (laughter, cheering, applause) But it turns out
that early marriage isn’t the worst thing that
can happen to kids in America. In Ohio, they’ve got a new law that’s a whole different
kind of torture. NEWSWOMAN:
In the age of tweets and texts, the state of Ohio
is going retro. Students there
will now be required to learn how to write
in cursive by the end of the fifth grade. What’s wrong with you, Ohio? The only phrase anyone
should learn in cursive is: “Why the (bleep)
am I writing in cursive?!” There’s no time I’ve been
reading something and thought, “I wish this
was harder to read. And… fancy.” Plus, it’s the computer age–
we type everything. Kids don’t need
to learn cursive– unless they’re going
to go back in time and write letters
during the Civil War. “Dearest Margaret, I’m 13. Why am I here?” But while Ohio
is punishing its citizens, Vermont’s new laws
are making it rain. NEWSMAN: Vermont will begin
paying people to move there, up to $10,000 over two years for people employed
by out-of-state companies who are willing to work
in Vermont remotely from a home office
or a cooperative workspace. We have a demographic problem
in this state. We need more people. All right, Vermont, I’m gonna tell you
the same thing I told my aunt when I saw her OkCupid page. Quit acting so thirsty. (laughter) Seriously. You’re offering
ten grand to live in Vermont? If a state has to pay you money
to live in it, that’s a good sign I don’t want
to live in that state. What good is $10,000 in Vermont? That place is so dull,
I’ll have to spend the ten grand on cocaine
just to liven things up! (laughter, applause, whooping) If I wanted to go
someplace cold and empty, I could look in a mirror. (laughter) But should humans have
all the fun? Why can’t these new laws mess
around with animals’ lives, too? NEWSMAN:
In California, as of January 1, pets are now legally considered
part of the family in divorces, not just property. Judges can assign
sole or joint custody based on the best interest
of the pet. Wow! This is
beyond (bleep) stupid! (laughter) How do you determine
the best interests of the pet? What if it’s a weasel? Or a tarantula? Even if it’s a dog, you’re
just gonna have two lawyers at opposite sides
of the courtroom calling its name. And the winner will be whoever
touched sausages that morning. I say if we’re gonna treat pets
like children of a divorce, let’s not half-ass it. We should really treat them
like children of a divorce. I’m sorry, Whiskers. Cleaning your litter box
drove Mommy and Daddy apart. And the guilt
will probably drive you… -to the pole!
-(laughter) But look… I know I’m always angry, but my own New Year’s resolution is to try to find
some good somewhere. So there’s one new law
that I can really get behind. NEWSMAN: Washington state
cracks down on people who misrepresent companion
or emotional support pets as trained service animals. It’s no longer
just dogs and cats. Some planes have become
modern-day Noah’s Arks. Ducks, pigs, ferrets,
hedgehogs, kangaroos, even peacocks, all flying
the increasingly furry skies. (chuckles):
Finally. This emotional support
animal thing has gone too far. Nobody needs
an emotional support animal. I don’t have
an emotional support animal, and look at me. (laughter) I’ve never been happier! (laughter, applause, whooping) Let’s face it, this was always a scam. Last week my flight attendant
had to explain why an anaconda was slithering over my crotch. Oh. It’s a service snake? Good. Then have it strangle
that screaming baby. -(laughter)
-Trevor? Lewis Black, everyone.

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